I'm feeling updatey.
It's been a while since I've posted to this blog, no?
I guess sometimes the musings take over and I forget to update my progress... or maybe there's just no progress to update upon.
I may have given up on the battle against my body. This is not to say that the struggle to maintain health and to keep on the right road is over, but I don't know if I can continue feeling disappointed and ashamed of myself every morning.
I hate that immediately after eating anything, all I can think is, "I shouldn't have eaten that." Yes, I should have. You do need to eat, even if you're obese. Food is helpful, nutritious, yummy, and it can be all of these things without necessarily precipitating weight gain.
Unfortunately for me, I like food.
I had a frame of mind earlier in these struggles, a year or two ago, when I came to the realization that food is just sustenance. It doesn't have to be an indulgence or a celebration, though it certainly can be when the situation calls for it, but for the most part - you should eat when you are hungry, slowly, so that you may stop when you are not.
It worked, too. I was also on my feet for 9 to 10 hours at a time while working at Barnes & Noble, and with short breaks and having to pay for your food if you're to eat (Huzzah Starbucks cafe), I didn't eat very much, but I was okay with that.
I got down to around 225 before going to college. I gained back the weight all too happily. By happily I mean I had a boyfriend and we were also dirt broke because... well, that's a story for another blog, and one I don't intend to relive any time soon.
But the point is - I've lost that. I'm kind of awash in uncertainty about what plan I should be following, how I should limit my meals, what's really okay and what's not, and the biggest point of contention: Is this worth it?
For health, yes, of course it's worth it to eat better, which I am doing! I haven't had fast food in a while (aside from one chicken wrap sans dressing from Sonic on the way home from school), and I have eaten red meat only a few times in months.
I don't feel like I want to exercise, but I'd enjoy getting more activity into my life. I'm considering buying a bike, or going on walks with Fiance now that the weather is, even temporarily, taking a turn for the cooler. I don't like being entirely sedentary (well, I do, but I don't mind being active, either), I just hate exercising for the sake of exercising.
I'm impatient, I'm aware of this. But I'm also used to the cycle of trying so hard for months to see a fraction of the progress that anyone else sees. And I start to wonder if my body is destined to be trim, to be thinner, to show any definition other than lumps.
Maybe I just have to learn to love what I've got, despite it all, and work from there to improve it.
I can't fix my body. No plastic surgery would make this better (aside from my arms, I want those sucked out because you can't fix fat arms no matter what ><). Liposuction can and does cause serious damage, and the body just works to refill what it lost. Lap band surgery wouldn't fix the actual problem, and I'm too young and not obese enough to qualify for it, anyway.
I'm on medication for hypothyroidism, but it doesn't do anything to help slow weight gain or quicken weight loss. The only noticeable difference when I am off of my pills while they're being reordered is that I'm tired. A lot. So they're worth taking, but not for the reason I'd hoped they would be.
I just struggle with this. I'm tired of being fat, but I don't know if I have it in me to change, to be the person who wants to sign up for 5k runs just because (ew).
At least I'm at school and walking around where I can't really eat much without paying for it. At least I'm eating better. At least, at least, at least.
The main problem that will probably haunt me all of my life will always be that I don't like how I look. Many women complain of the same thing, so I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't really make it better.
If I had more money, I would invest in a therapist or counselor, because I got a lot on my mind that I need to work through, but don't know how. Maybe I'll set up an appointment on campus. I don't know.
I just want to be able to believe someone, just once, when they tell me I look nice. Regardless of what number pops in my head when I think of my weight. Regardless of how I have rolls under my boobs that just won't go away. Regardless of how I have a double chin in all of my pictures except the ones that I take.
Can't confidence and weight be something other than mutually exclusive? Shouldn't my worth stop being inversely related to the number on the scale? And why can I not accept the fact that Fiance thinks I'm cute, as I am?
It's like everyone who's ever complimented me is working together to lie to me to make me feel better about myself.
I'm tired of living in my own conspiracy.
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1 comments:
Ya know, I've felt like this a lot before. And it sucks to feel that way. There's a book that helped me figure out what I should be eating and what I shouldn't. The South Beach Diet is a great book that really teaches you how your body processes different kinds of food, along with offering some really good advice on how to make that work for you. Even if you don't follow the diet itself, it's a wealth of information and worth a read.
I also think, if you're struggling with your headspace, making an appointment on campus is a good idea. It might at least help you figure out what your issues are.
As for the only eating if you pay for it, why not bring a couple of snacks? It takes a little bit of planning, but it's worth it when you have more to choose from than vending and Chick-Fil-A.
You are beautiful, and you always have been and always will be.
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