Screw it, a Confession.
Alright, so all of that last post was kind of BS.
I know what my problem is, I've just been hiding it.
I don't know when to stop eating because about a year and a half ago, or so, I don't honestly remember, it's not like a date I wrote down to celebrate or anything, I noticed that I felt like vomiting after eating a little bit too much.
So I did.
And now I eat until I'm just a little bit too overfull, and I get rid of it and feel guilty for overeating AND for engaging in pseudo-bulimia (I don't binge and purge everything, but it's still a problem, and I know it).
It's something that I've tried to handle on my own, and I realize now that I feel like I should do it after any meal, big or small, and that's the sign that it's spiraled out of my own grasp. I just need to stop. Half my portions, realize what I'm putting into me in relation to how much I should, and just put a stop to it.
Airing it isn't easy, because I know I honestly don't look like someone who would suffer from such a gross thing, and I never thought I would. And I don't know that I suffer from it, but as someone who has lived in the dieting world long enough to hear all of the horror stories about eating disorders, I don't want to even be close to that anymore.
It's not healthy, and it doesn't promote the lifestyle I'm aiming for here. It promotes shame and guilt and ruining your teeth and throat, and I'm not willing to sink to that for anything.
So there.
I thought I could BS my way out of feeling bad about it with the last post, but here's what I've been sitting on.
Yay.
I know only like one person reads this, but one person knowing my struggle is enough to get me to want to fix it.
So there's why I don't know how to treat food as nutrition anymore, or what a comparable feeling of "full" is. But I'll work on it, because I'm tired of this.
I don't want to be a slave to my body and food anymore.
8:13 AM
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2 comments:
Okay, so my comment on the last post is still valid, but I want to add something.
You are so brave for coming out with your secret. It takes a lot of self-awareness to even realize it, and infinitely more courage to put it out there. I admire that.
I love you.
i don't know you, but i'm friends with lindz, not some crazy stalker.
anyway, i completely agree with lindz that it is incredibly brave to admit your problems in a public manner. on that note, in your last post you mentioned maybe getting counseling through the school. a couple years ago i had some issues, most of which i didn't think were a big deal, but somebody told me that i would benefit from some counseling so i went. it ended up being a really good thing. even if it was just a way for me to vent and put things in perspective with somebody who listened but didn't judge. point is, i did the whole counseling thing and it made me just a little more sane and i would recommend it.
sorry for all the psycho babble.
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