So I think as the weather gets nicer out, I may start going on walks. It seems ridiculously hard to integrate activity into my normal sedentary life, but I know that once I start, it's easy to keep it going. It's just that starting part I'm struggling with.

I have a weigh-in at church this Sunday. I'm so afraid that it won't show any progress, again. Even though I've got my bathroom scale to finally agree that I've lost something, I keep messing it up. For every wise choice I make, a bad one seems to follow right after.

Eating less in a bowl of dinner, or a smaller lunch spread out over hours, seems to end up with me going back for seconds. I have to remind myself to wait, to make sure I'm not just eating too fast to realize how full I am.

I should probably also trim some carbs out of my diet. I hear it helps. It's sad, because I love bread so very much. But I can rely on whole wheats to carry me through. I did pick up some lower-cal snacks, like carrots and dill pickles and things. These are filling but not overly heavy on calories or fat.

At least I don't have an addiction to sugary sodas, and I should be grateful that fried foods make me ill. I know that a few years ago, I could eat fried stuff all the time and be happy, but now? My stomach basically regrets anything even cooked in a little butter. I know that doesn't seem like much, but I always joked that I was the worst fat kid ever. I can't eat pizza, doughnuts, chicken fried steak with gravy, anything that is stereotypically "fat person food." I mean, I can, but I really really shouldn't. On many levels.

So, yeah. My weight doesn't just drop. It tends to drop a couple pounds, then fluctuate around that level for a week. It's basically always a guessing game of +/- 2 pounds from whatever the weight is on the scale. I guess it's my own inconsistencies that cause that, but I also have very little cooperation from my body.

I did get my thyroid levels checked at my last doctor's visit, so maybe we can make sure my dosage of Synthroid (fake Thyroid hormones) is right. That would help with the weight thing, fo' sho'.

But in the long run, I know something is working. I feel less fat around my trouble areas, and my pants fit looser. It's strange, though. When I lose weight, I look in the mirror and I almost think I look bigger than I did before. It evens out eventually, but it's things like that that make me believe I have a very loose concept of what I actually look like.

When I see people who are obviously much heavier than myself, my first thought is "I wonder if that's how I look to other people." I don't know why. It's nothing against other people who struggle with obesity, it's more just stuff against me. So I strive for a realistic view of my own body, which is helped by having the Fiance around as a biased (in my favor) counterweight to my own thought processes.

So, here goes nothing. I'm gonna kick this eating right thing into hyperdrive for a few days to make sure I'm okay for Sunday. Then I'll keep working on tweaking everything until I look like a supermodel.

Or until I lose 10 pounds. Whatever.

Curse your sudden, yet inevitable betrayal!

I came home after work today to discover that my Wii Fit thought I had gained 3 pounds back from the 4 it claimed I lost yesterday.

I think my weight gauge is going to require a new method of measuring. My scale in the bathroom is stupid (seriously, I don't get it), so I think I'll do my Wii Fit body test in the morning to get a stable weight change chart, and I'll work out after school/work as I would normally.

So for today, I'll call it a wash. I have a warm kitten on my leg, and all is well. Plus, I shot virtual wildebeest at a bar and ate a chicken salad for dinner, so I hope I didn't do too poorly for myself.

I don't know what my mindset is, in all of this. I run into a few problems:

• I lose weight slower than most people. This isn't a huge issue so much as it is frustrating and endangering to my motivation and endurance through the struggles of turning down "bad" food and embracing motion and sweating and work. I don't see as much of a payoff from it as normal people would, and that leads to more cheating and more apathy in the long run. I can't afford that now.
• Along the same vein - I hate exercise and sweat. Sweat makes my skin break out in hives if I don't wash it off immediately. I wish I was kidding. Sweat + dust = misery for me, so cleaning is enough of a chore. But extended amounts of exercise can end up hurting me, around my knees and waistband mostly. It's a minor whine, I know, and something I'll have to just cope with, but it's an easy excuse to not exercise, trust me.
• I haven't lost anything in a month and a half. This also goes along both veins - I want weight loss to happen, even if it's gradual. I want to be healthier, but on my terms. I cannot abide "diets," because the second you change your eating habits from whatever you had been doing, all of your progress goes down the drain. And I know I'm not going to be able to keep up a regimen that would require more than 30 minutes of exercise 5 times a week. That's pushing it. So I just wish my body would work with me. I'm trying, and nothing is happening. I don't want to have to push myself to the point of agony, because I wouldn't be happy, and I wouldn't keep it up. The goal is to be healthier AND happier.

At any rate... I think I'll just have to relax and take it as it comes. If I can't lose weight being healthy, at least I'll be healthy and comfortable with my life.

Fiance told me today... after I complained that he didn't seem enthused or supportive of my complaints and struggles with this new lifestyle, that he wanted me to be happy. He thinks I'm beautiful as I am, and wants this to work out if it will make me happy, but he doesn't like that I'm unhappy by the lack of progress... if that makes sense.

It was very touching at the moment, at any rate. And it lends hope to those who haven't found someone who can see past the pounds to the person underneath. Heck, he's not a delicate flower himself, but he's joining me on the attempts to eat better, so that means a lot.

Anyway. Sleep time beckons and I've written way too much on a diet/lifestyle blog.