So I think as the weather gets nicer out, I may start going on walks. It seems ridiculously hard to integrate activity into my normal sedentary life, but I know that once I start, it's easy to keep it going. It's just that starting part I'm struggling with.

I have a weigh-in at church this Sunday. I'm so afraid that it won't show any progress, again. Even though I've got my bathroom scale to finally agree that I've lost something, I keep messing it up. For every wise choice I make, a bad one seems to follow right after.

Eating less in a bowl of dinner, or a smaller lunch spread out over hours, seems to end up with me going back for seconds. I have to remind myself to wait, to make sure I'm not just eating too fast to realize how full I am.

I should probably also trim some carbs out of my diet. I hear it helps. It's sad, because I love bread so very much. But I can rely on whole wheats to carry me through. I did pick up some lower-cal snacks, like carrots and dill pickles and things. These are filling but not overly heavy on calories or fat.

At least I don't have an addiction to sugary sodas, and I should be grateful that fried foods make me ill. I know that a few years ago, I could eat fried stuff all the time and be happy, but now? My stomach basically regrets anything even cooked in a little butter. I know that doesn't seem like much, but I always joked that I was the worst fat kid ever. I can't eat pizza, doughnuts, chicken fried steak with gravy, anything that is stereotypically "fat person food." I mean, I can, but I really really shouldn't. On many levels.

So, yeah. My weight doesn't just drop. It tends to drop a couple pounds, then fluctuate around that level for a week. It's basically always a guessing game of +/- 2 pounds from whatever the weight is on the scale. I guess it's my own inconsistencies that cause that, but I also have very little cooperation from my body.

I did get my thyroid levels checked at my last doctor's visit, so maybe we can make sure my dosage of Synthroid (fake Thyroid hormones) is right. That would help with the weight thing, fo' sho'.

But in the long run, I know something is working. I feel less fat around my trouble areas, and my pants fit looser. It's strange, though. When I lose weight, I look in the mirror and I almost think I look bigger than I did before. It evens out eventually, but it's things like that that make me believe I have a very loose concept of what I actually look like.

When I see people who are obviously much heavier than myself, my first thought is "I wonder if that's how I look to other people." I don't know why. It's nothing against other people who struggle with obesity, it's more just stuff against me. So I strive for a realistic view of my own body, which is helped by having the Fiance around as a biased (in my favor) counterweight to my own thought processes.

So, here goes nothing. I'm gonna kick this eating right thing into hyperdrive for a few days to make sure I'm okay for Sunday. Then I'll keep working on tweaking everything until I look like a supermodel.

Or until I lose 10 pounds. Whatever.

And, by golly, that's good enough for me.

Fiance made sugar cookies last night, and I had the fun task of icing and sprinkling them with Halloween themes! It may only be September, but in our house, if at all possible, it would be Halloween all the time.

I managed to allow myself only two of the tiniest cookies (about a dollar coin size), and enjoyed just decorating them. Treats can be treaty, without being completely diet-crashing. Otherwise they're just Depressing Biscuits. It's a new brand by Alpo.

Anyway - I've done well. My "problem" as it were has for the most part dissipated. All I needed was to tell myself that I could do this the right way, and that sitting around feeling sorry for myself wasn't the way to go about it.

I'm not losing weight at the rate I'd like to, but I'm still losing. I invested in a multi-vitamin, something I'm sure my body has been needing, and I'm looking to make wise choices and let that carry me onward.

My weight has plateaued (that's an awkward word, yeesh) for the time being, but that's all right. I'm happy, and I feel much better, so I think I'm on the right path. My moods had been swinging in full force lately, and I think evening out that shady patch of my life is helping kick things back to where they need to be.

Now I just have to fight the crippling fear of failure in school, while keeping myself from resorting to emotional eating. Don't ask me why I'm afraid of school so much this year. Maybe it's the scholarship on the line, or maybe it's just not knowing what I'm doing, but I'm terrified for some reason. Completely without reason, too. I've been going to class (a new thing for me... I slacked last year, hardkoar), and doing the readings, and keeping up with just about everything. It's just that niggling fear that I'm forgetting something.

Blah, I say. I kick butt at school, and there's no reason that should change now. I just have to get my brain to agree.